Flimflam

The name is Freddie. Freddie Pease. I takes lemons and sell lemonade, heh heh. See, nobody likes a lemon. So I, ehhh…I sweeten em up a bit! If I ain’t running the best used car game in town, you can put me in a skirt and call me Sally! Ain’t nobody got nothin on Freddie P! Here’s what I do, see? First, I gets a power drill and I put it in reverse to turn back the numbers on the odometer. Nobody’s gonna buy a car with 200,000 miles on it! Then I throws some sawdust in the engine to quiet it down. Oh yeah. My cars purr like a kitten when I’m done with em. I gets some neighborhood kids to wash em down for a couple a bucks, and voila! I’ve got lemonade! But see, there’s more to selling cars than just the cars themselves. The customers need to think I’m trustworthy. So, I gets up in the morning and pour on the after shave, slick my hair down, and put on a snappy suit. When I gets on the lot, I wait for the money to come rolling in, ha ha ha!

04-23-16_8_29_58 PM

Nobody’s gonna buy a used car from a guy who looks like he’s gonna take em for all they’ve got. Personal appearance is everything in this biz. So I gets to the lot early in the morning; the early bird catches the worm they says. I like lots a worms—big, juicy, fat ones! Especially when they don’t got no clue what’s comin for em. HA! Speaking of worms…here comes one now…

04-23-16_8_35_07 PM

04-23-16_8_34_49 PM

Watch and learn…

“Good morning, sir,” I says. A man likes to feel like I respect him…even though it’s his wallet I respect more. “Welcome to Freddie P’s Auto Emporium. Today is your lucky day! I’ve got deals going on the whole lot.”

See? Make em feel like they have stumbled on something special. People just love the sound of a good deal. The money just flies out of their pockets!

04-23-16_8_35_57 PM

So after I make em feel special, I go in for the kill. I appeal to em on a personal level.

“You look like an honest man who works hard for his money. Are you a family man?”

“Why…yes. I have two children at home. How did you know?”

“I’m Freddie P. It’s my business to recognize these things. Call it a gift.”

I makes em think I know em. I’m peeling the onion baby!

04-23-16_8_36_50 PM

“So like I say…you look like an honest man who could use a break in life. I tell you what I’ll do. This baby here is one of the best cars on this lot! It only has 80,000 miles on it.” That’s the truth. Yesterday it had 180,000! “It runs well and the AC blows ice cold.” For a few miles. “I would usually let it go for 10,000. But for a good man like yourself, I’m willing to give it to you for 7. Whaddaya say?”

04-23-16_8_36_59 PM

What he doesn’t know is that the car is only worth 750, heh. There’s one born every minute!

“Wow! That’s very generous, Mr. P. Can I take it for a test drive?”

“Here…let me turn on the engine for ya. You’ll hear how smoothly it runs.” I can’t let em take the car off the lot. It might not get very far, he he he. “Hear that? Smoooooooth sailing. Here…sit down in the front seat. Put your hands on the steering wheel.” I gotta let em feel it. See themselves in it. “Let me turn the air on for ya… Ain’t that cold?”

“Yes, it’s very nice. Clean too,” he says.

“See? Just like I say. Step into my office and let’s talk business.”

“But…I dunno, Mr. P. I don’t want to buy the first car I see. I’d like to look around a bit.”

Some worms wiggle a lot as they’re goin down. And that’s ok. They need to feel like they have room to wiggle. I do that for em before I pull the rug out from under em.

“Suuuuure, of course, of course. Look around all you like. But, I’m telling you… This is the car you want. Hands down the best deal on the lot. Looks like other customers are beginning to realize it too. So, for your sakes, don’t look too long.”

Bingo. Someone else always comes to look at the same car. They’re like my little guardian angels.

04-23-16_8_38_13 PM

I lets him go, and he goes looking at the other lemons on my lemonade stand. More times than not, he’ll come back and say he didn’t see anything and he doesn’t want to take the deal. No skin off my nose. I makes sure I look disappointed, but I tells him it’s no problem and I’m always here to take care of his auto needs.

04-23-16_8_38_25 PM

Then, like magic, this happens every time. Someone else comes up right next to the guy and says he’s interested.

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So I gives the new guy the same spiel, but I offer it to him at a higher price than the first schlub. And I says it loud enough for him to hear. And then, like magic again, the first guy gets reeeeeeally interested in my deal, he he he.

“Uhhh, Mr. P? I’ve reconsidered, and I’d like to crunch some numbers with you in your office.”

04-23-16_8_41_52 PM

That’s when I makes the move. I pulls the rug from under em.

“Sure sure. I tell you what. Why don’t you go sit in my nice air conditioned office while I help the other honest, hard working folks, ok? I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

I play the “I’m a very busy man” bit. It’s a supply and demand trick I learned from my old man. There’s only one of me and a bunch of them, and I make them feel like they’re all fighting for the same car, he he he. Sometimes it’s more fun to watch than Saturday morning Cartoons!

Some guys will go and sit in the office until I get there. That’s when I knows I ain’t sellin that car. They gets tired of waitin. But, when they sticks around? Oh yeah. I’m in the numbers! That’s when I turns on the magic!

“…as I was saying…the car only had one previous owner…” I goes on and tells the new guy all about the car…and I pour it on thick…

04-23-16_8_42_07 PM

I tells em all about every doodad the car used to has. I even makes up stories that the so-called previous owner told me. This car, I says, used to belong to Mortimer Goth. I says it was his first car his old man gave him in high school. I says that he kept the car all these years for nostalgia sake but finally decided to give it up after his old man died.

“…he said Cassandra was conceived right there in the back seat!”

04-23-16_8_45_28 PM

Bingo. Someone is always impressed by my storytelling. They says I should write children’s books, he he he.

“I’ll take it,” the new guy says. “But ummm…blue isn’t my color. I like green…like money.”

“Sure, I understand. You and I speak the same language, my friend.”

04-23-16_8_47_47 PM

I pulls out my handy dandy tablet and start spending the cash in my head. See…I’m Freddie Pease! Those other guys ain’t got nothin on me. I keeps up with the latest and greatest technology; that impresses all the other worms on my lot, he he he. Now, the new guy tries to haggle with me, and we go back and forth.

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I lets him think that he talked me down a couple hundred bucks. But what he don’t know won’t hurt em, he he he. They always leave happy.

04-23-16_8_48_24 PM

And that, my friends, is how Freddie Pease sells two cars in one day. Any questions?

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Balderdash: Valetudinarian

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